"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:7
I recently came across a quote that said, "To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing." This quote serves as a reminder that criticism is inevitable in life, especially for those who are active and vocal, and that we must learn to discern between constructive and destructive criticism. It also reminded me of how we must respond when others, especially Christians, hurt us with their words. The truth is that sooner or later, someone will hurt our feelings. Why are there so many Christians too sensitive? Some Christians get their feelings hurt too fast and allow their hurt to cost them their souls. It is foolish to allow wounded or hurt feelings to close the door to our eternal life!
Many Christians have fallen into complete apostasy or stopped attending services because of their hurt feelings. Some even refuse to worship the Father because they believe an unkind brother or sister has hurt their feelings. They feel justified in their actions with little or no guilt.
It's important to remember that sensitivity is a wonderful thing as long as it is not misdirected. It is good to be sensitive to the physical and spiritual needs of others and those of our own. It is a wonderful thing to see Christians sensitive to their problems. However, it becomes overly sensitive when one allows his wounded or hurt feelings to place his soul in danger of being lost. Sadly, this is often the condition of those who quit the church or cease to be active just because someone hurt their feelings. Instead of letting hurt feelings lead us to leave the church and our worship to God, we must turn to God in prayer, seek His guidance, and strive to respond with love and understanding, as He teaches us to do.
Our feelings are like red lights. These red lights light up when we become sensitive to jealousy, hurt feelings, and rejection. These red lights tell us we need to get our lives properly focused. Let us look at two stories from the Bible that can help us understand how to respond to hurt feelings and criticism: the story of the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15:21-28 and the story of Martha and Mary in Luke 10:38-42. In these stories, we can observe how they reacted to difficult situations and think about how we could have responded.
I. THE CANAANITE WOMAN:
“And Jesus went away from there and withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22 And behold, a Canaanite woman from that region came out and was crying, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely oppressed by a demon.” 23 But he did not answer her a word. And his disciples came and begged him, saying, “Send her away, for she is crying out after us.” 24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, help me.” 26 And he answered, “It is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs.” 27 She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table.” 28 Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly.” (Matthew 15:21-28)
In this story, we may be puzzled by how Jesus treated the Canaanite woman. It seems out of character. This woman came to Jesus to plead for her daughter. She cried out, saying in verses 22-23,
“Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely oppressed by a demon. 23 But he did not answer her a word. ”
This poor and desperate Canaanite woman stepped in front of Jesus to plead that He heal her daughter. Jesus ignored her and walked past her. Jesus ignored her, for He did not answer her a word. She seemed to be using the same plea as Peter when he was drowning: “Lord help me.” After Peter cried out to Jesus, He stretched out His hand to help him. However, He ignored this woman’s plea. Does that not seem cruel? Was this not a time for someone's feelings to get hurt? Was this not a good time for her to turn away and say, "Well, if that is the way you act, I will never ask you for anything else?" Imagine how you would feel if someone ignored you and cut you with such actions stone dead! What would you do if you asked someone a question and received no reply? What would you do? Would you not walk away in anger? Would you not get your feelings hurt? Chances are you might walk away and maybe even “quit the church.” You would feel justified in doing so. But would you be justified?
This Canaanite woman could not afford the luxury of being angry and hurt. Why? Because she was desperate. She refused to be snubbed. She continued to shout, persisting in her request to heal her daughter. This woman did not let Jesus’ silence turn her away. Do you suppose this woman had no feelings? Of course, she did, but she needed something and knew that Jesus could supply that need. Her child’s life was in danger. She thought more of her daughter than she did of her own feelings. How many of us would pass the test Jesus put this woman through?
Jesus’ disciples struck at her feelings when Jesus did not answer her. They begged Him, saying,
“Send her away, for she is crying out after us."
She seemed to be getting on the disciples’ nerves! Surely, this would have been enough reason for her to walk away with hurt feelings. But did she leave? Why not? Because her need was far too great to allow Jesus’ disciples to stand in her way. She would not allow them to rob her of her needed blessings. Suppose we came to someone in the church, made a request, and were ignored. Would we stay or leave with hurt feelings? If we, like this woman, knew our needs and their reason, we would remain despite what others said. If we turned our backs because someone hurt our feelings, would we not be the ones to lose? Of course, God is not pleased with the actions of those that turn us away. However, their actions would not justify our quitting or leaving. What condition would we be in if we allowed our hurt feelings to cause us to abandon God and the church? We would be lost! Are not our souls of more value than our feelings or wounds? When we allow our hurt feelings to lead us to forsake the Lord and the church, it means that we are too sensitive.
Remember, our souls are in danger when we are too sensitive and allow our hurt feelings to become obstacles that get in our way. The Lord and the church are the only safe places we can be in (John 8:31-32).
As if it were not enough, this woman had yet more tests to face, for Jesus said to her,
“I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.”
Do you suppose Jesus was having a bad day? Is there any reason for His strange behavior? When His disciples pled with him to send her away, Jesus appealed to them for their understanding. As if to say: The Jewish people, my people, are my first concern. It must have taken great courage for this Canaanite woman to ask a Jew for help! The Canaanites hated the Jews and were, in turn, hated by them. Jews regarded the Canaanites as dogs!
However, this Canaanite woman would not take silence for an answer. She knelt before Jesus, worshiping Him, saying, “Lord help me.” What would we do if the blessings of the Lord were not for us? Would we get all ruffled up and leave without them because our feelings are hurt? Not this woman! How many of us would worship and praise God under such circumstances? We can rest assured that we would get "mad enough to bite rusty nails" and refuse to worship. But should we give up? Is it not more important that we obey the gospel and serve the Lord in the church than to run away with our feelings hurt? Our successes or failures in passing tests such as these are indicative of our desire to do what is right. Is not our soul more important than our feelings?!
This Canaanite woman had one more test to pass. Would it hurt her feelings and drive her away? Jesus said,
“It is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs.”
It is amazing that Jesus still refused her, even goad her. Not many of us would have carried the conversation far enough to hear someone say such words to us. Seriously, what would we have done? What would we do if someone should call us a dog? Certainly, most of us would have thought this was enough to justify getting our feelings hurt and never coming to church again! It is remarkable that his woman did not take offense or feel hurt. In fact, she reached Jesus. It did not matter that Jesus called her a “dog.” She says in verse 27,
“Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table.”
It is like saying, "I know how unworthy I am; I do not ask for anything but the crumbs." This woman obtained the mercy she sought.
Was it worth it? Would it not have been easy to let her feelings rob her and her daughter of the healing she wanted and needed? Will we allow our hurt feelings to rob us of that plaudit “well done” when we meet God in judgment?
God commands us to walk by faith, not by feelings. So, what are we walking by? Do we quit and abandon the Lord and the church when our feelings are hurt? Are we walking by faith, even when our feelings have been hurt?
This woman’s answer touched Jesus in a special way, for He said to her,
“O woman, great is your faith!
This Canaanite woman breaks through Jesus’ silence and His belittling of her people and challenges Him in her need.
“O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly.” (Matthew 15:28)
This story of the Canaanite woman teaches us an excellent lesson about how to deal with hurt feelings. If this woman had been me, I might have reacted in anger! I might have said to Jesus, “You act like a Pharisee Jesus!!” Do you suppose this woman had no feelings? Imagine having her daughter in danger and being more concerned with her little girl’s problem than her feelings! She knew Jesus was the only answer to her need. She knew He could provide!
We must thicken our skin and soften our hearts! We must NOT be thin-skinned and hard of hearts! Although we all have things we are too sensitive about, we must still lay down our “right to be offended.” I wonder how many of us would pass the tests Jesus gave the Canaanite Woman of Matthew 15:21-28! Let us closely examine this woman’s example of faith and humility and see if we can learn from her.
Mary, the sister of Martha and Lazarus, provides another excellent example of how to deal with hurt feelings.
II. MARY AND MARTHA:
"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.' 41 But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, 42 but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her'" (Luke 10:38-42).
Think about Mary and Martha. You see, Martha complained to Jesus about her sister Mary when He came to visit them in Bethany. Martha complained to Jesus about her sister Mary not helping her. She criticized Mary unfairly and harshly. Mary could have chosen to be offended by her sister, but there is no indication that she felt this way. Mary was also criticized by Judas and the disciples when she tried to offer worship to Jesus (John 12:1-8).
Again, there is no indication that she took offense. Do you suppose Mary did not feel any pain inflicted on her in both circumstances? Here is a woman who loves the Lord with all her heart, soul, and mind but was treated and criticized unfairly for what she did not do, not only by her enemies but also by her own sister and the Lord's disciples. But Mary did not open her mouth to defend herself and her actions on both occasions! Instead, she entrusted everything to her Lord and kept silent. She rose above the impulse to defend herself!
- So, What Are the Lessons For Us to Learn?
- Even when others hurt us (maliciously or unintentionally), and it will happen, we must choose not to be offended. I'm pretty sure those who complained about Mary were not trying to hurt her intentionally, for it resulted from poor judgment.
- That when others hurt us, our spiritual maturity will indeed be revealed. Why? We will reveal that Christ Jesus abides in us, and we walk with Him when our feelings are hurt. We have two ways to react when our feelings are hurt: deal with our hurt feelings before the Lord or allow them to destroy us. You see, Mary left it in the hands of Christ. God intends for us to use mistreatments for our good. Remember Joseph, who had to endure mistreatment and abuse at the hands of his own brothers but chose to take it to God, saying, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." And while God is not the Author of evil and confusion, He can use good or evil for our transformation.
- We must not take offense at reading too much into the words and actions of others. We must avoid being oversensitive and thin-skinned! Again, Mary was offended twice but chose not to take offense.
- We must not be offended or hurt when we hear false accusations. We must avoid gossip because listening to and sharing it will put us in a bad light. Wise Christians must learn to confront people who gossip, slander, and make such allegations. Jesus demands fortitude and righteousness in our dealings with others. Satan uses gossip to destroy relationships and sow discord among brethren. It destroys churches and leaves bitter fruit.
CONCLUSION:
Is it okay to allow ourselves to be controlled by our feelings rather than God? Christians are not immune from being hurt by life circumstances and the indiscretions of other people. However, that does not validate our hurt. As God's children, we have two choices to make. We can focus on the hurt, allowing the hurt to live in us and destroy our own spirit with a root of bitterness. Or we can choose to live by Christ and bring our hurt to Him in prayer. The Psalms are full of examples of the Lord’s saints pouring out their souls to God in prayer when they are injured and feel the pain acutely. Our God will often lead us to the person who hurt us so we can graciously talk to them, seeking reconciliation, but it takes two to reconcile. Other times, our Lord will help us to endure or forbear it, take up the cross, let it go, and move on.
We all have hurt feelings. Sometimes, it is something as minor as a harsh social media comment or as severe as a betrayal by a close friend. How do we deal with hurt feelings? How shall we deal with someone who hurts our feelings? What is the godly course of action? How we deal with our hurt feelings significantly impacts our ability to recover and move forward. Thankfully, the Bible is full of wisdom and can assist us in managing our emotions and working through them in a healthy manner. Let us follow God's remedy to avoid having our feelings hurt.
A man's wisdom gives him patience, and it is a glory to overlook an offense. Sometimes, God will give us wisdom to understand the other person's actions. Forgiving someone does not imply that we must indulge the other person who is committing a crime. We must bear the sins that continue to devastate our lives. When someone hurts another Christian, he is sinning against God, for he is rejecting who he is in Christ. Thus, it will affect his relationship with Jesus, whether he realizes it or not,
Although others might hurt and abuse us, causing us to be angry, we must choose not to let the sun go down on our wrath and sin. Feeling anger is a normal emotion when someone we care about hurts us or abuses us. But we must not let our anger cause us to stumble! What we do with our anger will determine whether we choose to sin or not. We must learn to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." The Lord expects no less of us, for He wants us to walk the high road of living without offense. He has given us everything we need to equip us to do His will and please Him.
May our Lord help us to have a heart of forgiveness. May we be more like Jesus, Paul, and Joseph, who died to themselves to bless those who had wronged them. May we take our hurts before the Lord and leave them in His hands. May we allow our injuries to transform us. May we choose not to be offended but instead make a friend out of our hurt. May we understand that we are not in God's place, that He is the Master, and that we are the clay.
Luci
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